A Message to Umbrella Users

Dear Umbrella User,

I know it rains, and I know you don’t particularly want to get your hair wet. But, is an enormous umbrella particularly necessary when the moisture in the air creeps above the average, or perhaps is able to even be classified as ‘drizzle’? Is there also an unspoken rule amongst you to plough on down the centre of the pavement without feeling the slightest guilt at holding a weapon with metal spikes protruding in a 360-degree radius into my eye line? Because you seem to have no realisation that you are, in fact, taking up far more than your allotted pavement space and are thus intruding upon mine, prodding steel spears towards me whilst pouring a constant stream of water upon my increasingly sodden jeans. It is then up to me to dodge these constant threats in what all-too-often appears as an attempt to recreate a slow motion Jason Robinson montage. On a busy street, being attacked both from my left and right, this is certainly an unwanted burden. Chatting on your iPhone and arranging a time to meet your friends at Starbucks is not an excuse for not noticing me. I don’t want a cool surge of water on any part of my body, thank you. Neither do I want to have reduced vision in one eye, a cut on my face, or even heightened annoyance as a result of your absent-minded and egocentric stroll. In the rare occasion I bite the bullet and use an umbrella myself I make a deliberate, and possibly exaggerated, effort to make sure that the pedestrian walking in my direction is not in the slightest troubled by the pole of shame that I hold above my head. It may be difficult to tip your wrist 45-degrees so that the other person can walk unimpeded, and you may encounter a few rain drops during that two second period, but if you can’t handle that, I have two suggestions:

1. Stay inside.
2. Wear a raincoat.

You could, of course, ignore my advice and continue the way you are. But I’ll be judging you when that happens. I’ll hold my silence, but I’ll be judging you – you and your people.

Kind regards from a gentleman in damp jeans,

Tom