Friday, 12 August 2011

Thou shalt be forgiven for looting Debenhams

It is rather refreshing to recognise that it’s not only Islamic extremists who are willing to annihilate our country’s infrastructure.

Our loveable friends up in London are currently pillaging their own capital city, and, I suppose, it makes al-Qaeda – as we approach the 10th anniversary of 9/11 – look rather indifferent and unenthusiastic about applying themselves.

I understand the incentives of the two scenarios do vary: Al-Qaeda will only receive 72 virgins in heaven. The Cockneys, however, are able to acquire a Blu Ray player, Rolex watch and five iPads!

So there’s my fun little introduction based upon one of the funniest of the world’s religions.

I’ll now move on to another equally fabricated and unnecessary arrangement of falsehoods – Christianity – and relate it to these current events.

A fuzzy photograph of one of our tediously senseless citizens rioting in London was enough to show a large crucifix sticking to her sweaty, pallid, insalubrious upper-chest area.

Now, although I’m not a Christian, I certainly do appreciate that her behaviour is not something that Jesus would particularly approve of. What I’m quite confused about in this instance is the concept of forgiveness.

The Bible clearly states that, if this scumbag repents to Jesus, all her sins will be forgiven.
What an abhorrent doctrine.

As she was looting shops and smashing windows, this foul woman knew precisely that what she was doing was wrong. Consequently, she should not be forgiven. She may spend the rest of her life trying to win people back, but these actions should always count against her. These actions should be unforgivable.

The concept of responsibility is almost entirely based upon knowing that you will be judged by your actions – in knowing that there will be repercussions. By allowing this lowlife to be forgiven after she mutters a few meaningless words completely repudiates this responsibility. She’ll be living with a clear mind, safe in the knowledge that God – the only entity that matters in the great scheme of things – will give her a free lift to heaven.

If the core message of The Bible was even vaguely moral, Jesus would be giving the sermon of the mount saying, “Fuck off, you cunt. You knew what you were doing. Say goodbye to heaven. Wanker.”

The woman would be whimpering in fear at the thought of hell. She would be unable to sleep due to her impending state of eternal torture.

This would certainly be a far more efficient way of establishing a moral structure to a culture.

Monday, 1 August 2011

Noel Gallagher's High Flying Cocks

It’s clearly becoming ever rarer for me to pluck up the courage to type a vaguely comprehensible array of sentences onto this forgotten corner of the Internet. Furthermore, I don’t pretend to imagine that I have a plethora of adoring fans displaying withdrawal symptoms whenever I fail to publish anything for more than two weeks.

Nevertheless, the fact that you’ve decided to spend a fraction of your ultimately futile life reading this demonstrates that there clearly is at least one person willing to hear my thoughts. Whether I can classify you as a ‘fan’ is, I suppose, less certain.

Today’s bible reading takes the form of two parts:
  1.  A short digression about Noel Gallagher.
  2. A juicy, throbbing thought of the day about erections.

Noel Gallagher last week announced the release of his new song The Death of You and MeDespite the best attempts of his record label, the world over (and, above all else, the YouTube ‘comments’ section, which is primarily restricted to vigorous computer masturbators) is zealously comparing it to the songs that Liam Gallagher’s Beady Eye have already churned out.

I feel it is a pitiable, futile but nonetheless necessary act to add my opinion, of which I’m sure you’re riveted to read about.

All I can say is: “What did you expect?”

Noel’s song is infinitely better than any of Liam’s, and, by sticking to what he did best in Oasis, he hasn’t left his fans disillusioned.

Liam, on the other hand, is quite simply a moron who will probably soon be found rampaging around a Norwegian island with a machine gun.

I suppose this article is merely a sort of unprofessional press release to remind you to buy Noel Gallagher's High Flying Birds, available on Amazon, iTunes and any other good high street store from 17th October 2011.

I said I would climax with a little piece about erections. It’s more a thought regarding people who still adhere to the primitive argument of ‘intelligent design’ in the universe.

Why, if we’re designed, don’t we get erections on demand? Does the designer really enjoy witnessing the embarrassment of half the world’s population, whilst simultaneously revelling in the disappointment of the other half?

Has this article been a big flop?